Jordan rants, #2: This is not musical chairs

by Jordan Alston

Lifestyle Contributor

The saddest thing I can think of right now is the fact that the semester is coming to a close. A little over a month and then poof, I graduate, throw the deuces up and roll outta this joint. It’s a tense time for me, made all the more tumultuous by inconsiderate classmates. That kid in the back of one of my classes who asks stupid questions and won’t shut up while I’m trying to learn; I am not paying to hear you lecture, screwball. The guy that sits in front of me who smells like something new and gross every class; please, just bathe, for God’s sake. And that girl that decided she wanted a new view in class one day and stole my seat. You, dear one, are the worst of them all. You know who you are.

Do you all know what week it is in the semester? I think 12, maybe 13. I’m not entirely sure, but either way, we are very deep into this year – almost done, in fact – and that means that everyone should be in his or her groove by now. You should know your schedule by heart, and maybe even have your friend’s schedules down too. You should know the exact time the Tim Hortons line is going to be at its lowest and highest, and when it’s best for you to get coffee. Everything should be so rhythmic that you could set your watch to it and be on time anywhere. Life should be moving like a well-oiled machine at this point, but for some people, every day must be a challenge. You must be struggling to get by, since you can’t seem to remember where you sit in class, because you decided to sit in my seat.

This is righteous anger, kids. The first two weeks of classes are hard; trying to find a seat that allows you the most comfort, puts you nearest either your friend or at the very least an acquaintance, and makes each class slightly more bearable. The first week of classes is when you scope out seats, testing out a few until you settle in. After those first two weeks, if you haven’t found a seat yet, you better stand in the back of the room, because if you sit in someone else’s seat, the whole rhythm is off. I chose my seat; dammit, I earned it! So you wanted to sit nearer the window because you were warm and wanted a breeze? Too bad, sister, because the window seat is mine. You wanted to sit in the back because you’re not feeling too hot and wanted to just chill? Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn. If I came to class late, that would be one thing, but I come to class five minutes early, every time, and when I walked in and found you getting nice and comfortable in my seat, I took it personally. I think the worst part was that your usual seat was still open. You literally just wanted a new seat and moved. You think this is a game?

Taking someone’s seat is just plain rude. It’s a matter of principle. You wouldn’t just sleep in someone else’s bed, or wear their clothes, or eat their food, without asking, would you? If you did, that would make you a grade A Asshole, capital A. So you got to class before me and wanted to sit somewhere new today? Too damn bad, you better get the hell up and move; don’t even glance at my chair. If I come into class and see you sitting in my chair ever again, it’s gonna be all-out war.

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