Disowning Delavan

By Editorial Staff

For reasons passing understanding, the metro stop located at the corner of Main Street and Delavan Avenue is designated as the Delavan/Canisius College station. It begs the question; do Canisius students actually use the station for which our illustrious institution is named? The Griffin believes the answer is an unequivocal “like, no.”

We concede that it is conceivable that some athletes and athletic patrons may use the station, given its proximity to the Koessler Athletic Center. One Griffin editor is known to use the stop during quick trips to Dagwoods (who can be bothered with parking?) for moderately priced submarines and cultural immersion. Nonetheless, The Griffin is surely not the first to recognize that the Delavan/Canisius station is hardly an important component of our collegiate life.

There’s the location. The stop falls so far outside the confines of safety that not even the fastest Public Safety segway could respond in time to secure the safety of those foolish enough to venture past M&T. It’s also unaccessible. Even to reach its dank corridors and broken elevators students must trudge beyond the urban wasteland of the parking ramp and past the pitiful sight that is Health-Science. It’s a challenge to human resilience and strength that even Olympians would find unendurable.

There’s also the matter of the broken windows. You’ll recall that a car accident in December of last sent a car flying through the glass dome, scattering debris throughout the station. Over four months later, the dome remains un-repaired, boarded with tarp and cardboard. Canisius students are discriminating and refined, and prefer not to be associated with those establishments that can’t afford windows and more closely resemble condemned homes post-Sandy.

We at The Griffin are appreciative that a subway stop has been specifically designated for our use. Sadly, we don’t use it. But we do often use the Humboldt/Hospital station located just up Main Street. Its location affords ease of access to the Village people, residents of the palatial Main Humboldt apartments, and our resimuter friends who enjoy the bliss of sleeping naked without the judging gaze and expressive eyebrows of horrified roommates. Therefore, acting on its own authority The Griffin is pleased to announce that it has colonized the Humboldt/Hospital station on behalf of the people of college and have rechristened it the Canisius/Hospital station. We urge Canisius students to correct conductors, NFTA employees, and signs that incorrectly label our new station. We further suspect that the new name may catalyze the widespread misconception that a hospital is officially associated with our school. You’re welcome pre-med.

Indeed, why should we stop with the Canisius/Hospital station? The Griffin will continue to entertain the notion of colonizing more subway stations, building our own empire of third world public transportation systems, which we will of course avail to our community. After a long evening of libations and imbibery few things are more appealing than the prospect of getting knee deep in an order of chicken McNugs. Easy access to McDonald’s may eventually require our annexation of the Utica station.

We of course wish to assuage the concerns of our loyal readers who fear that The Griffin has devolved into a despotic junta, an unaccountable band of ruffians plotting neighborhood dominance from the bowels of the student center. The Griffin has no designs of hegemony or power, but we do recognize our obligation to improve the quality of life for our peers and fellows. The Griffin will only ever serve the general interest. Maybe we’ll abolish the metro cards too.

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